Sunday, April 29, 2007
im freaking pissed.
bad bad day.
whatever, hahas
okay went to pkkcc to play bball.
with adel and shun li.
hahas.
pity adel's leg lol. haha
went back at five plus. yeap.
you,
you,
the differences, still i want to be your Crazy girl.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Saturday, April 28, 2007
hmm.
met adel and alvin in the morning for breakfast.
then went to school, self study.
whatever la.
ahha watched video.
loads of mistakes.
hopefully we dont do it again.
hahas.
stupid dumb dumb. =)
oh ya, and adel was right,
coming to JC its as if you are in your own jc world.
with your jc pals.
cause school ends late, loads of work and cca.
so its damn hard to be as free as the past.
sigh, i miss YOU all.
and when you stop waiting,
life seems to get so much lighter and happier.
maybe it's because at the same time,
you stop wanting things that're hurting you.
qouted from RAINE.
sorry girl, qoute from your blog.
its damn true that when all the waiting stops, life gets much happier and nicer.
and then, you love yourself even more. <3.
fucking physics, im going crazy.
arghh,
sigh. im feeling damn pek chek, i dont know why.
you dont seem to care and so, or maybe you did
im getting crazy,
RARRR~
-when its so near yet so far, im trying to hold on-
-the hearts and the stars, do they mean something-
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Friday, April 27, 2007
okay.
we lost to HCI
win ACJC.
was quite happy about the winning game.
and adeline, please take care and becareful.
sigh, unseen problems in the team.
boys lost.
but cheerup eh,
you guys really played a nice game.
oh ya that fucking referee. but anyway its over.
i was damn vulgar just now. sha la la.
and calista came and support bill.
she was damn friendly la. haha whatever,
i miss her too. =)
it is just a super random post.
im really happy, when there is you.
but sometimes, the differences are too far apart.
my family, my past, how much do you know about me?.
same goes to me. sigh.
but boy, i know im falling for you.
just that. sigh.
my lame shit, tell me, are my worries too extra?. cause ive been thinking too much?.
oh ya and like i said, ill be here always, stupid boy.
-can love overcome all differences?.can YOU really vanished from my life?-
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Sunday, April 22, 2007
my tummy is hurting
seriously.
sigh.
and i wasnt even in the mood for anything yesterday.
sorry to make you worried. =)
woke up at 7.30 this morning.
went to see doctor.
same old phrase. STOMACH FLU.
after that went to meet adel and shun
then study,
we were damn lame la.
haha
whatever =).
oh ya and mummy's damn sweet today
i dont know what got into her
she bought me my favourite- pooh
and the shower foam i've always wanted
orange flavour from the body shop.
and she brought me to the doctor.
oh my god.
its so effing not HER.
but i prefer her this way.
oh ya and my friend is getting married SOON
like october?
omg, she is only seventeen la.
whatever it sounds like SHOTGUN to me and madeleine la..
i just got a shock la.
i cant imagine myself getting married and being committed NOW
when im not done with my dreams and my studies
and when my thoughts are still not fully matured.
and im not even at the least financially stable..
OH MY OH MY.
how could one be willing to give up her freedom at such young age. oh my,
qiao, cheerup
madeleine and me love you.,
stay strong and brave through it.
madeleine, its not NEW HOT STUFFS. hahas
and you are effing effing curious eh?
haha i'll definitely make it to your birthday my sweetie.
cause we are the four besties right?.
raine paige trixie and madeleine. sighs
i saw eric yesterday.
i was shocked, emo, happy.
but it doesnt matters,
i no longer react like how i used to. maybe because i've understood what you were trying to say that time.
TIAN ZHONG HUI HEI,REN ZHONG YAO LI BIE
SHUI YE BU NENG YONG YUAN WEI SHUI.
and the feeling of lonliness and seperation must be faced.
these meanings was fully understood when i heard this song playing this morning.
a kind of relief, my lost love.
a blessing i really give, my once love.
but still i wish, our memories will always be our sweet lil secret.
baby, you are my caramel.
stupid caramel.
no more sweet chocolates. hahas
i want dark ones.
ambigouous,
so near yet so far.
but im contented.
thats when treasuring is a must.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Friday, April 20, 2007
the boys had match with HCI,
lost but good job guys.
and YOU. hahas
after that we stayed on to watch the HCI's girls.
kind of sad. sigh
really dont know who.
but come on GIRLS. =)
after that we went for dinner.
and then sembawang to play bball.
sigh,
fang-ey and qiao-ey
i seriously miss the both of you.
fang-ey dont leave alright?
dont be sad, you still got us
though im always not free.
sorry babes.
i miss the times we clubbed, i miss the times we got drunk or rather i.
i miss the days we quarrel, we bitched about each other
and so many more..
sigh. thanks for being there for me
always like no others.
stupid boy,
i need no reasons to like you
cause you are just you.
like i said, ill be here supporting you always.
just so you know,.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
okay
had trg today
kinda low morale eh?
sigh.
its next wed.
come on ppl. we can DO it
GO TEAM YJC.
didnt mean to pinpoint at anyone nor cried
sorry.
sigh sigh and sigh
worst of all is, i dont know whats the freaking problem with my stomach
diarrehoea for four days, constant pain
sigh.
i think i can just die eh.
oh ya, hmmm
im loving things this way
but still i hope you'll say.
asking me to stay.
i dont know why, and shouldnt i?
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Sunday, April 15, 2007
got that adidas bag. damn happy.
and ah shun. stop that ldy thingy eh. hahas
adel and alvin, our da zhi bao. lol
im sad, but you wouldnt know,
tears fallen, you still dont know.
to you, im that strong, that not easy to cry,
but boy, sorry, im weak.
i dont know since when,
you began to mean smth to me.
i dont know why,
i want you to be there,
i want you to take care of me.
mixed feelings you swore,
i believe.
time will show, lets see then.
more than friends or less?. the answers lie with you,
but boy, for now, this moment,
i truly wish you were here.
i dont want to end up landing in pain for the second time
i dont want to have, that yet nothing at all.
like they said, i meant something.
do i?
if i do, would my tears matter?.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Saturday, April 14, 2007
sigh,
whatever la.
didnt play well today,
damn sian, im sorry.
you are damn insensitive la.
sigh,
i really dont know what to say la.
alvin said its true
is it?
how would i know if you dont say.
sigh
when im gone, theres no way back.
-ni yue lai yue zhong yao.-
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
If the status of a relationship isn't very clear, you should try opening your eyes a bit wider. If you're not seeing things the way they really are, it could be because you're afraid that the picture isn't as rosy as you want it to be. But you're dealing with your own happiness and future -- and knowing the truth is better than living in blissful ignorance. Seeing things as they really are doesn't always require courage -- sometimes it requires only a bit of self-respect. Besides, things are not as bad as you think!
that was my horoscope for the day.
what was it trying to mean.
who is it refering to?.
i dont know. sigh
im getting used to it,
but i know its a habit,
what do i exactly want,
and im just afraid of any outcome.
i darent try any more.
once from someone, is enough,
the hurt for two plus years is unbearable,
and so, i dont want another years.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
im damn touched.
seriously i am,
thank you madeleine for the video.
thanks alot.
flashbacks of our friendship when i view the video.
our joy,
our tears,
how i made qiao and you disappointed,
how angry i were.
how we cried together,
how we stood by each other.
life goes on,
im always not free.
sorry babe
but still
no one can take over you all.
its a blessing to have the both of you as my besties
thank you.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Sunday, April 08, 2007
okay.
meaningless SUNDAY.
woke up at eleven.
then study.
chem test tmr.
I NOT IN THE MOOD TO STUDY !.
damn it.
im missing my bitches,
MADELEINE AND PAIGE,
sorry babes.
ill stand strong maddy,
dont worry. im just momentarily tired.
so im blog-hopping again.
to kill boredom. thats why.
sigh sigh and sigh,
emo is feeling sad over nothing.
and thats what im facing.
i told people, im fine alone.
the truth is im not.
im not that strong like im on the outside.
im trying so hard for this two years plus
and im happy at the least you dont matter anymore.
everything is trying to suffocate me,
why dont i just kill myself first.
i feel as though im so not being myself,
i tried too hard to smile.
i dont know.
feelings after blog-hopping,
its amazing how a girl is willing to scarifice for the guy
although the guy seems nonchalent
but the girl waits on,
its amazing how just one simple message is able to brighten up the girl's day.
its really amazing, the power of love.
yet this one-sided love, is very hard to carry on,
cause you will end up in pain,
so why not. let things be,
the girl's pain, is what i can fully understand,
the girl's stubborness, is what i had at that time,
but so im tired, so let it be,
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Saturday, April 07, 2007
im feeling damn lazy.
okay went to sch in the morning
played bball
study.
yeaps thats it.
oh and playing pokers too. haha
dinner at long john
then threading with adel.
and then back to home.
love is a difficult game to play.
the rules not fixed.
the heart is hard to get.
this game has no winners.
its full of tears.
and so, im afraid.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
emo found me suddenly.
i miss all of you,
janet wendy yuwen fangru binpei.
the six of us.
quarrels and laughters.
joy and tears,
i really miss them.
how are you all?.
hows life?.
how long have we chat?
do you still remember?
or im just transparent?.
wo hen lei.
seriously.
that cheerful girl is not cheerful afterall.
its all facade,
too facade.
sometimes when i say i dislike you all.
but i still care.
seeing whats becoming of this family
im really sad,
i have never been prepared for these
really, its too much for me to handle.
sometimes i just wish that i dont exist,
at least i wouldnt have to see family politics.
we are one family, but why arent we behaving like one?
we are linked to each other but why are we becoming strangers?
i dont want to see this family torn even further
i dont want to see the day bro walk out on you all.
i dont want to end up in a semi broken family.
i dont deserve all these, why must i go through it?
can we try to accept each other and be like the past,
i really miss the past.
at least you all were so much better last time.
tears flow,
not due to saddness but disappointment.
i really dont know what its like to be smiling HAPPILY.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Friday, April 06, 2007
okay .
that jj match.
a bung looks so much like you,
damn it.
really alike.
my heart almost frumble.
it aint love.
its just shock.
went to queensway with adel sophie and shun li
me and adel bought our ss2g KIDS. haha
then sophie bought PRO MODEL low cut.
yeah..
walk around
slacked
then went back yishun.
reached yishun at 7 plus.. then meet alvin
and then we went to play bball at 325
then 925 for dinner
and here i am now.
oh ya and i saw the black version of eleanor's adidas bag!!!
i want!! gaga
im going to GET IT.
WAIT FOR ME =)
i realised.im so fine without you.
and thats it, although i tend to look back.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
had match with jurong jc.
what the fuck.
sighh.
i actually lost possession of the ball while fast breaking.
damn it la.
as the day draws nearer, i feeling more nervous.
alot of things to brush up.
and sigh im feeling moodless towards studies.. im dead.
okay cont tmr
good night people.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Monday, April 02, 2007
okay.
had training AFTER pe today.
fuck la.
my leg can go sha la la. haha
ran like almost 16 rounds?. then training.
oh man. oh man.
but never mind, its all WORTH. haha
went to have dinner after that
then back home.
and so,
i really hate this FAMILY
its not even a FAMILY la.
STOP complaining to me how unfillial kor was.
STOP saying that we would be much better off without him
when you dont even know a SHIT about the things going on here.
come on la. you got legs, MUST you drive?
come on la, we wouldnt survive without kor.
EVERYONE TO YOU IS USELESS??
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELVE?.
think about it.
you sure you are good enough??.
i wanted to scream right into your face,
but whats the point?.
do you even know the hurt i feel?
the moment i step into the house and there you were,
drinking and smoking.
WOW.luxury eh?
come on la, you dont have the luck to be enjoying NOW.
everytime i see you, i would start to compare, start to feel unfair
why why is my family like this?
what have i done to deserve all these?
FUCK LA!!!
KNN.
stop stop stop complaining to me
ITS MORE THAN ENOUGH LA !!!
cause I DONT WANT TO HEAR,
I DONT WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
SPARE ME PLEASE. I REALLY CANNOT TAKE IT.
take it as i beg you la.
im only 17, I DONT DESERVE ALL THESE FUCKING SHIT.
damn pissed, damn sad
tears keep rolling.
i really dont know what to do.
no more love toward you all,
the feeling is neutral.
like stranger.
im sorry.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
Sunday, April 01, 2007
heard of the chinese story: hai zi wo wei she me da ni? child, my reasons for hitting you.
okay. after reading that short story, people around me agreed with what the author said, but im exceptional.
the author said, she hits her child because it was the last resort when every other methods fail.
she said that she feel the pain everytime she hit her child. she wonders if it was the right way to punish her child.
if that is what most mothers feel when they beat their children, why is mine so exceptional.
i remember clearly, she always hit me for no absolute reason, just because she is tired, piss off by work, and so im being beaten.
so can i say, i am already used to all the canings, and hence now, even when she starts to quarrel , i find it so common. like a normal routine.
and she always say that she wants to die, from last time till now, her statement never change. haha so, when she said that, i feel no urgency.
so used to it, so used to the coldness in the family.
i guess we are more like stranger than a family right?.
a brother that never come home often, a dad and mum that couldnt understand us,
and ME, a girl that feels nothing, no belonging to this family.
i would rather go to school, then training and then home.. cause by then, its about nine plus, and when i reach home, i can sleep after washing up.
its better than staying at home, facing four walls, no warmth. NOTHING, ahaha.
enough of that crap.. lets review the quarrel i had with her today.
i need a pair of shoe. my old pair has a hole already,
i had no money with me, brother doesnt have enough to transfer to me, cause he needs it for his expenses.
so i decided to ask from her first,
then she was so reluctant, FINE.
so i say never mind.
then she said i give her attitude.
what a nice comment, !!!
come on la, she ought to be feeling INFERIOR AND SHAMEFUL
she cannot even afford her daughter's expenses and graphic calculator?
what a nice joke. and everything i pay myself.
even the calculator, i dont even dare to ask her to pay la.
everything i want, I PAY MYSELF. she didnt even fork out a single cent.
and yet she dare to say i keep on wanting her to get things for me !!
its damn irritating la.
come on, i DIDNT.
when was the last i said, mummy can you get this from me?
when was the last i said, mummy i have no money. can give me?
i never even complain to you la.
please la. stop trying to push all the blame to me.
im your daughter.
IF YOU DONT WANT TO GET FOR ME, JUST SAY, I WILL FIND MONEY MYSELF !!!
and please get this straight.
reflect on WHY you always have no money when everything is paid by brother including my allowance,
YOU OUGHT to be shameful la. where is your pay?.
and come on, stop asking MONEY from me. i repeat STOP, and I DONT HAVE !!
and can you ask him to get a proper job?.
if he finds taxi driving too tiring, can he get another job?.
can you stop giving him money.
sigh, i dont know what the FUCK is going on.
neither do i want to do,
people see me as rich, nice cheerful girl
even pampered
but the actual fact is, IM NOT.
not at the least pampered,
not at the least cheerful.
its all just a facade front.
BEAUTIFUL AS IT SEEMS
shattered beneath
